There is one thing amazing in life. Whatever you have is never permanent and whatever you don't have does not mean that you won't have it later. The point is nothing is permanent or fixed. Life is so volatile, sometime you cannot stop but wonder at the things that happen in life. Sometimes, what you think is bad happened because you will get a greater good sometime later in your life. But, death is the ultimate good that can happen to any individual. With it goes away all the responsibilities and emotional things. I think that is why people sometimes want to commit suicide when they feel something really bad has happened.
This post was perhaps the longest time in wait. I was not sure about the reprisals or any other reactions that might come with this post. Also, I did not get the words to write it as much as I liked it. But, if I am going to write about the people who have influenced me a lot, then I cannot miss this person and I wanted to write first and then face anything that comes later. This is about my first crush in life.
I still remember in detail, thought not vivid, about the day that changed my life forever. I remember it was one fine afternoon in school and I also remember it was a particularly free boring day. There was no indication that I was gonna be excited for the rest of my school life. Then it happened. There was this comic play and the cast was called in. I was among them as I had successfully completed a negative role in the previous year's Tamil play and also one of the toppers with acting experience and willingness to try something new.
Well, as we were all assembled, there she was. I couldn't believe that I have not even met her once as she was also in the same school for the past 9 years with me. It was a new experience and it was like something from a movie. There was this large room in the corner of our school. There was no windows but there was one row of slabs with designs on them that allowed for the passage of light. As it was late afternoon the sun had tilted to the west and there was light leaking to the room and the room was the afternoon lazy yellow. When I first looked at her, my heart skipped a beat and all I could think of was how I had missed seeing her all these years.
It still makes me nostalgic and makes me feel nice. I guess that is what made me realize that I am not a kid anymore, though I wish occasionally I never grew up from being a kid. It was a period of new experiences. Daily morning whenever I went to school, my eyes would be searching for her. My heart would beat fast when I see her and we both were in the same area as the school and her house was on the first floor with a open balcony and I would get my cycle and ride in the weekend evenings and sometimes I would get lucky and she would be in the balcony studying or doing something, these days I call lucky days.
I loved hearing her talking, which was not so much, I cannot remember now how her voice sounds like. I would be looking forward for the auditions to the play and when she comes there would stare at her for hours until rehearsal completes. Talking about coincidences, she played as my wife in the play. So this started kind of a playful teasing with her and me. I really felt nice but I used to refute them by acting like I am angry and asking them to stop. And I hid this from my class guys for nearly 6 months, until I chose to trust a guy, who almost immediately made sure that the whole class knew.
All this time, I never spoke to her. I don't know why, but with girls I generally shut up and don't speak to them, unless I know them very well. But with this girl, it was so difficult, whenever I was near her I would sweat like anything and my tongues would be tied. The most I managed to talk in front of her was during a quiz competition that we both were in and I asked her to do something after a long long consideration. The reason being, me followed by the other guys to see what I was talking and it was kind of awkward to talk with her in front of such a large audience. Not that I would have been able to talk with her freely anyway.
It brought about so much changes in life. I started valuing my privacy. Now people from join families in India know about how hard it is to maintain your privacy when you have a snooping, nuisance brother and a mother who is hellbent on learning what you do. But I managed to get myself a room stating my pending public examination as reasons. I kept her photograph, taken at the play in a secret place and stare at her face for hours in the end. It was that time of life where I didn't care for anything anymore other than this girl.
There used to be a daily prayer in my school and one student from the highest class, in this case the X std, has to lead the prayer, now we had just 20 of us in the class and each one of us is supposed to get in once in a month, sometimes twice, it depends. But some skipped taking the lead and I would take their place in leading the prayer. This had an hidden agenda behind it. It was seeing my girl as she would be standing as the first person in the line and I would have a good look at her before classes start. Then sometimes, I would go to their class during lunch and randomly talk to some guy in her class so that I can see her.
Everyday school went on like this until it all ended when the public examinations were over. I still dread that day, because after it I could not see her as I pleased. With the High school and tutions that accompanied it as I had messed up in the X public exams, I found little or no time for anything else but to sleep and study. My mother even severed cable tv to our house for my studies plus now the school was not in our area and it was far and I had to go by cycle daily to my school and come back and then go to tutions in cycle as well. This drained me completely and I got through this period most of the time by looking at her picture but wishing I could see her and perhaps tell her all that I feel, though I could never muster the courage to do it.
I occasionally saw her once or twice on the road or on the open terrace of her house. But after my HSC exams, I moved to college in a different city and my life as I knew it in my home town came to an end. I occasionally visited my hometown from college and got lucky and saw her once or twice in two years. Two years later, that too stopped as my family too, moved to a different city and so did my chances of ever stumbling across her even occasionally and looking at her face. I held on to her photograph for a year in college after which I burnt it as I knew I had to get past her. Life had to move on. I had to move on.
It was a difficult decision, as I always dreamt about her. I suppose maybe that is why I didn't speak with her. I was petrified by the fear of getting rejected, but again I didn't know what to do if she accepted, Heck, I don't know that even now. But she kinda brought up something out of me. She inspired me. Even now when I am expanding my concepts into stories, i think about her as the heroine of that story. She brings out the best in me, perhaps. I do not know how this would have gone if I had somehow got her, but now she lives in me forever as a inspiration for my stories and for my writing. But, I have a good feeling this will change, someday she will stop being the inspiration and some other girl will take her place. Hope it happens soon.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Looking Back - Part 6
Last post was sort of forced out because I was doing it on a special request from a friend. So it was kind of disassociated from whatever I was writing. There are lots of things to talk about in my school life. It was pretty chaotic times actually, lots were happening in my life so fast in the later part of my school life that I can think of lots of time to write. These posts sort of make me look back at the older days and draw lots of inspiration in my present life. These are the things that give me energy to go on and a confidence that I can make my life the way I want as I have done it until now.
I am a bit proud about my accomplishments. Most of these, in my humble opinion, I have achieved despite the insurmountable odds and well before my peers. It is good, but sometimes it gets too much as I am self made unlike some other people I know. This thought is intoxicating, it makes you feel like you are on the top of the world, but you are actually not. Sometimes you have to take a great fall from the top to the ground. Believe me, it hurts right in the area where it matters most, Pride.
I have had lots of such humbling experiences and I learnt to control my head and never let pride take over me anymore. The worst humbling fall I took was during my first public examinations. I was always a bit over-rated, to heck with the bit, I was and am always over-er rated. Maybe its just my appearance or my mysterious silence when I meet anyone first. Something leads people to think that I am a great nerd or geek. I let people think this because once that is established you always get a special treatment. I am accustomed to such treatments, so I like it actually.
Anyways, as always I was touted to get a state rank by my school correspondent. The guy had so much confidence in me that he even told my parents that he was expecting a state rank out of me and my folks were the happiest people in the earth. But the funnies thing was I was never the topper in class. I used to come in the top 4 ranks of the class, mostly at the 4th that's about it. I do not know where people got the state rank ideas, but anyway, I was being inflated by my Mom at home and by the corres in the school and my dad was skeptical from the start. As the story goes, I managed a mere 79% in that public exam, exactly 4th place again. My correspondent was devastated. Well, at least I passed. I had 85%+ in the sciences and maths and dropped lots of marks in languages. Life was cruel here as well as I am very fluent when it comes to writing in both Tamil and English. Well, that's life.
But these things are only temporary. You can always bounce back. When I fail in something, I recover very quickly. I guess, after you have been through a number of failures, you sort of start thinking like this. First, you are very down by something because you know you screwed up. but when it becomes kind of a habit, you come to a realization that the period of remorse is not worth it. Life is more than that. You have to steer yourself clear of the negative thoughts and make yourself ready for the next task.
Life, as I have seen it, changes in a matter of seconds. Not in one hour or two hours, not in a day or two, but in a matter of seconds. Happiness and sorrow, they come and go in seconds, and if you choose to make these emotions control you or your life, then you are a goner. But some people live like this and they enjoy that too. Its more of a personal choice. Anyway, the failure in my first public humbled me to a level that I now refused to believe in me anymore. This is another recipe for disaster, but my dad who was skeptical during this entire time, actually talked with me and made me believe I can do something. This came with a catch though, I had to take a tuition.
I hated tuition, generally because of two reasons. One, I was a house cat. Yep, thats actually the term. I hated any places other than my one house. It is the one place, where you can be you. Other places in the world required you to be something. So I loved being at my house. This tuition thing was going to spoil it. Two, tuition actually brought into my memories the one I had when I was in my primary school. I would go to this place, sit with a teacher and she would make me do all my homework and study for exams. And I hated the place as I was forced to do things.
But it was not without reason that my parents put me there. I was a lazy and unorganized lad and would always fall behind when it came to written assignments in my school days until 10th. My teachers were amazed, because the other guys who did the same were always in the lower part of the class, while I was in the top 5. I had this knack of remembering things that actually helped me. I developed this technique to make things easy. Whenever something is taught in the class. I break things into grass root level and learn only the logic behind it and apply that to all the things that are similar. It is amazing how much you can do with this thing. In fact, I passed in a college exam this way when I was doing my bachelors.
There was a lots of mischief I did in my tuition classes. But that is for another day. Anyway, I started believing in myself. I actually passed with flying colors in my second public examination in 12th and the engineering entrance examinations. The success got me into the most prestigious institution for engineering in Tamilnadu, Coimbatore Institute of Technology and I am to this day proud to be one of the alumni. It is intoxicating and my head is filled with pride, but what the heck, I love my college very much. And I am proud to be a CITian. Not all guys can get into our prestigious institution. And I am glad, I did. It was an major achievement in life.
I am a bit proud about my accomplishments. Most of these, in my humble opinion, I have achieved despite the insurmountable odds and well before my peers. It is good, but sometimes it gets too much as I am self made unlike some other people I know. This thought is intoxicating, it makes you feel like you are on the top of the world, but you are actually not. Sometimes you have to take a great fall from the top to the ground. Believe me, it hurts right in the area where it matters most, Pride.
I have had lots of such humbling experiences and I learnt to control my head and never let pride take over me anymore. The worst humbling fall I took was during my first public examinations. I was always a bit over-rated, to heck with the bit, I was and am always over-er rated. Maybe its just my appearance or my mysterious silence when I meet anyone first. Something leads people to think that I am a great nerd or geek. I let people think this because once that is established you always get a special treatment. I am accustomed to such treatments, so I like it actually.
Anyways, as always I was touted to get a state rank by my school correspondent. The guy had so much confidence in me that he even told my parents that he was expecting a state rank out of me and my folks were the happiest people in the earth. But the funnies thing was I was never the topper in class. I used to come in the top 4 ranks of the class, mostly at the 4th that's about it. I do not know where people got the state rank ideas, but anyway, I was being inflated by my Mom at home and by the corres in the school and my dad was skeptical from the start. As the story goes, I managed a mere 79% in that public exam, exactly 4th place again. My correspondent was devastated. Well, at least I passed. I had 85%+ in the sciences and maths and dropped lots of marks in languages. Life was cruel here as well as I am very fluent when it comes to writing in both Tamil and English. Well, that's life.
But these things are only temporary. You can always bounce back. When I fail in something, I recover very quickly. I guess, after you have been through a number of failures, you sort of start thinking like this. First, you are very down by something because you know you screwed up. but when it becomes kind of a habit, you come to a realization that the period of remorse is not worth it. Life is more than that. You have to steer yourself clear of the negative thoughts and make yourself ready for the next task.
Life, as I have seen it, changes in a matter of seconds. Not in one hour or two hours, not in a day or two, but in a matter of seconds. Happiness and sorrow, they come and go in seconds, and if you choose to make these emotions control you or your life, then you are a goner. But some people live like this and they enjoy that too. Its more of a personal choice. Anyway, the failure in my first public humbled me to a level that I now refused to believe in me anymore. This is another recipe for disaster, but my dad who was skeptical during this entire time, actually talked with me and made me believe I can do something. This came with a catch though, I had to take a tuition.
I hated tuition, generally because of two reasons. One, I was a house cat. Yep, thats actually the term. I hated any places other than my one house. It is the one place, where you can be you. Other places in the world required you to be something. So I loved being at my house. This tuition thing was going to spoil it. Two, tuition actually brought into my memories the one I had when I was in my primary school. I would go to this place, sit with a teacher and she would make me do all my homework and study for exams. And I hated the place as I was forced to do things.
But it was not without reason that my parents put me there. I was a lazy and unorganized lad and would always fall behind when it came to written assignments in my school days until 10th. My teachers were amazed, because the other guys who did the same were always in the lower part of the class, while I was in the top 5. I had this knack of remembering things that actually helped me. I developed this technique to make things easy. Whenever something is taught in the class. I break things into grass root level and learn only the logic behind it and apply that to all the things that are similar. It is amazing how much you can do with this thing. In fact, I passed in a college exam this way when I was doing my bachelors.
There was a lots of mischief I did in my tuition classes. But that is for another day. Anyway, I started believing in myself. I actually passed with flying colors in my second public examination in 12th and the engineering entrance examinations. The success got me into the most prestigious institution for engineering in Tamilnadu, Coimbatore Institute of Technology and I am to this day proud to be one of the alumni. It is intoxicating and my head is filled with pride, but what the heck, I love my college very much. And I am proud to be a CITian. Not all guys can get into our prestigious institution. And I am glad, I did. It was an major achievement in life.
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